I Hate Unicorns

      I have discovered quite recently (though my sense of time is quite twisted and my recently might have been a few months earlier than your recently) that I am not alone in this passionate hatred of Unicorns. I stumbled upon a video while surfing the vlogbrothers channel in which John elaborates upon his intense dislike of them. He also owns this wonderful shirt that says "Unicorns were left off the Ark for a reason." It has now become my life's ambition to acquire that shirt. Enough said, let's start with my reasons.

1. Unicorns are overrated. I'm sorry. I cannot contain myself on this. Whenever I go on tumblr (which, admittedly, is very infrequently when compared with the rest of the internet-addicted world) I am bombarded with pictures and quotes like these:
   
   (taken from naharoo ahjumma on tumblr)
   
   
   Bad Idea!!! (I only used 3 exclamation marks because 5 exclamation marks are a sure sign of an insane mind, and I'm only partially sure) Unless you are a girl named Bella, your inner alarm system would be blaring right now. Don't get on the unicorn. It's a ploy, I tell you!
   
   
   
   (etsy.com)
   
   
   Do not be a unicorn. Your horns will be cut off to make corn dogs.
   Perhaps that is why I particularly enjoy corn dogs so much...
   
   
   
   ( keepcalmandposters.com)
   
   
   A unicorn farm?? Why would you want that?? They would trample you to death.
   Slowly.... And painfully.
   
   
   
   (the villainous unicornappreciationsociety.tumblr.com)
   
   
   See what I mean?? There is a UNICORN APPRECIATION SOCIETY. Help me.
   
   
   
   
2. Unicorns are too often confused with pegasi. No, unicorns do not fly. 
   
   (fanpop.com)
   
   
   This appears to be some sort of buttercorn hybrid. That sounds delicious. Buttercorn should totally be a thing.
   
   
   
   
   
   This is taken from a webiste called lucylearns.com, which leads to the important question of, 
   Just what are we teaching poor Lucy?
   
   
   
   
   
   
3. They are creatures symbolic of innocence whose sole purpose seems to be to get to virgins and like, do stuff. I have never found any source telling me what unicorns actually do to the virgins, and the fact that they like virgins is kinda worrisome. I mean, sure, I get it. Virgins are supposed to be innocent too, and we are inevitably drawn to our own kind, but if there isn't any info on what they actually do when they get to the virgins, then what am I supposed to think? If maybe, they had said something along the lines of, "Unicorns like to eat the hair of virgin girls" it would have been a more satisfying explanation then none at all. (Though while we're on the subject of unicorns and virgins, here's a link from my friend Alex to the game CLOP in which a unicorn named Clop clops his way to the virgin girl. I haven't found out what happens when you get there, because I'm a horrific player.) 
   
   (foddy.net)
   
   
   The lilac shaded, twilit world of CLOP the unicorn, whose unfortunate nickname comes from his disturbingly loud hooves. Oh, and for some reason, all unicorns are inherently male.
   
   
   
   
4. They are menacing beasts that are somehow presented to the public as cute and cuddly creatures. I mean, people don't worship rhinos in little pink plastic toys that flash with neon lights. And rhinos are also quite fearful, with the same horns and stampeding hooves. 
5. Unicorns never seem to help with anything. They frolick in the forest all day long and never truly have anything to do. They don't eat or drink and just spend their time whiling away, until they are attracted by a virgin girl or someone (like Voldemort) hunts them down to use their blood in ressurrection of an evil villain. The said evil villain goes on to kill or maim hundreds of people and the unicorns don't care. They go on prancing about and making rainbows or whatever it is they do. 

           I am tired, hungry, and drowning in my own sweat. I will rest my case.

DFTBA,